My Sober Summer, Episode 2: The River

So yesterday, me and six of my closest friends decided to go tubing down the Salt River.
Tubing, for those who don't know, is when you gather as many of your dumbest / most reckless friends as possible, and bring several coolers full of alcohol and marshmallows (not to eat, but to throw at other tubers), and some sort of flotation device(s) to the nearest river, and willingly expose most (if not all) of your skin to the ravages of the Sun. A speaker system and mix of good music is optional, but highly recommended.

(When I first found this pic, I thought that someone had actually snapped a picture of my friends and I, until, upon closer inspection, I saw it's just six dudes.)

Around here, we just call this "going to the river", because there's only one river, and there's only one thing you do at the river.

While tubing, you are encouraged, nay, obligated to befriend and accommodate your fellow tubers. Inevitably, you will bump into another group of people, or pass another large party, and the only acceptable form of communication is a very loud, very obnoxious "WOOOOOOOO!" or, if you are male and passing a group of females, "TITS FOR BEER!" Those groups with sound systems will ultimately be stuck to those without, and will be invited to several "party camps" situated along the riverbanks. Food, drinks, drugs, and oral herpes will be passed around and shared amongst all groups.

It's tradition on the river to drink until you love everyone / can't feel your skin frying. And if you've been paying attention, you know that I cannot drink, and was therefore the designated sober person for my group of seven.

On the downside, I couldn't get drunk with my friends. On the upside, being the sober person in the group has several advantages:
1) I did not have "beer goggles" and therefore did not allow less-than-favorable men to hit on me.
2) I did not throw up (like my poor friend).
3) I was able to stand up successfully on my tube, and was therefore crowned "King of the River" by some passersby. (Yes, I'm a chick. Apparently that doesn't matter when everyone's drinking.)
4) I got to repeatedly warn and laugh at my friend Natasha, who was almost constantly nipping out, but too drunk to notice.
5) I got to laugh as my friends got increasingly intoxicated, and therefore increasingly unable to successfully adjust themselves in their tubes or get drinks out of the coolers.
6) I escaped with relatively minor burns, having enough presence of mind to re-apply my sunblock about halfway through.
7) No one minded my horrible, out-of-key renditions of Baby Got Back, Fly, Fat-Bottom Girls, and every Ke$ha song (in fact, almost everyone we passed joined in).
8) I did not fall into the river at any point.
9) All of my items were accounted for at the end of the river.

While my friends were busy untying the tubes and lamenting lost objects, I got excited about the loach minnows swimming close to the riverbank. So excited, in fact, that I made my sweet boyfriend catch me one! He used his t-shirt as a net and we filled an empty juice bottle with river water to use as his temporary home. I'm still trying to figure out what I can feed him, since apparently he's an insectivore, and I don't know of any pre-made fishfood made of bugs. His name is Barry Minnowlow.
I didn't find out until it was too late that loach minnows are an endangered species, which means I probably shouldn't have taken him home. But, it's too late now, he's all mine!

All in all, even though I had to stay sober, it was a pretty fun day at the river.

Week Two: Still going strong.