My Sober Summer, Episode 2: The River

So yesterday, me and six of my closest friends decided to go tubing down the Salt River.
Tubing, for those who don't know, is when you gather as many of your dumbest / most reckless friends as possible, and bring several coolers full of alcohol and marshmallows (not to eat, but to throw at other tubers), and some sort of flotation device(s) to the nearest river, and willingly expose most (if not all) of your skin to the ravages of the Sun. A speaker system and mix of good music is optional, but highly recommended.

(When I first found this pic, I thought that someone had actually snapped a picture of my friends and I, until, upon closer inspection, I saw it's just six dudes.)

Around here, we just call this "going to the river", because there's only one river, and there's only one thing you do at the river.

While tubing, you are encouraged, nay, obligated to befriend and accommodate your fellow tubers. Inevitably, you will bump into another group of people, or pass another large party, and the only acceptable form of communication is a very loud, very obnoxious "WOOOOOOOO!" or, if you are male and passing a group of females, "TITS FOR BEER!" Those groups with sound systems will ultimately be stuck to those without, and will be invited to several "party camps" situated along the riverbanks. Food, drinks, drugs, and oral herpes will be passed around and shared amongst all groups.

It's tradition on the river to drink until you love everyone / can't feel your skin frying. And if you've been paying attention, you know that I cannot drink, and was therefore the designated sober person for my group of seven.

On the downside, I couldn't get drunk with my friends. On the upside, being the sober person in the group has several advantages:
1) I did not have "beer goggles" and therefore did not allow less-than-favorable men to hit on me.
2) I did not throw up (like my poor friend).
3) I was able to stand up successfully on my tube, and was therefore crowned "King of the River" by some passersby. (Yes, I'm a chick. Apparently that doesn't matter when everyone's drinking.)
4) I got to repeatedly warn and laugh at my friend Natasha, who was almost constantly nipping out, but too drunk to notice.
5) I got to laugh as my friends got increasingly intoxicated, and therefore increasingly unable to successfully adjust themselves in their tubes or get drinks out of the coolers.
6) I escaped with relatively minor burns, having enough presence of mind to re-apply my sunblock about halfway through.
7) No one minded my horrible, out-of-key renditions of Baby Got Back, Fly, Fat-Bottom Girls, and every Ke$ha song (in fact, almost everyone we passed joined in).
8) I did not fall into the river at any point.
9) All of my items were accounted for at the end of the river.

While my friends were busy untying the tubes and lamenting lost objects, I got excited about the loach minnows swimming close to the riverbank. So excited, in fact, that I made my sweet boyfriend catch me one! He used his t-shirt as a net and we filled an empty juice bottle with river water to use as his temporary home. I'm still trying to figure out what I can feed him, since apparently he's an insectivore, and I don't know of any pre-made fishfood made of bugs. His name is Barry Minnowlow.
I didn't find out until it was too late that loach minnows are an endangered species, which means I probably shouldn't have taken him home. But, it's too late now, he's all mine!

All in all, even though I had to stay sober, it was a pretty fun day at the river.

Week Two: Still going strong.

Video Games

Let me be the first to say, I'm a fan of video games. I like to sit down in front of the television with nothing but a controller in my hand and the will to survive after a long day of work. There is something primally satisfying about mercilessly slaughtering virtual characters with no real-world consequences. It can work out a lot of aggression and competitiveness. Collecting virtual objects in a make-believe world satisfies the hoarder in me as well. (Seriously, I never get rid of anything if I have enough inventory space, which is definitely the case with my favorite game, Kingdom of Loathing. Google that shit!)

I do, however, have one HUGE pet peeve associated with video games: They are sometimes TOO FUN.

"But Brandy, what ever can you possibly mean? How can something be TOO fun?!" you ask. Well, I'll tell you via a hypothetical situational experiment.

Let's say you're a guy, and you have a relatively attractive girlfriend. You are playing a game, such as World of Warcraft, or Fallout, or Rift, or Team Fortress, or some other MMO/RPG or XBox, or PS3 game, or whatever gaming platform you prefer. Your relatively attractive girlfriend propositions you for a romp. Your game does not have a 'pause' feature.
What do you do?
If you're most men past the age of puberty, you'll likely abandon your game (at least for the moment) to take advantage of your girlfriend's unusually generous mood. Regardless of how much you like that game, sex will pretty much always win out in the end.

Unless, of course, you're my boyfriend. Now, I'd like to think that I'm relatively attractive, and my boyfriend is constantly telling me how pretty I am. I'm not trying to call myself a 10 or anything, but I've never before had a problem getting a guy in bed, especially once we've started dating.

My boyfriend, however, will continue playing whatever game he's currently interested in, usually World of Warcraft. Last night, it was Monster Hunter Tri for the Wii. And usually, he claims that he doesn't even like the Wii! But, it's a new game that we just bought yesterday, so he wanted to see if it was any good. (We also bought Spyro: Eternal Night, but that's a shit game for twats. I mean, seriously, what the hell? They changed EVERYTHING! But I'll talk more about that later.)

The only reason I can think of that he would rather play a game than have sex with me (because, and I'm going to toot my own horn for a second, I'm pretty good in the sack) is that is that he is addicted, because it's TOO FUN. It's SO FUN that he simply CANNOT stop playing for any reason other than the basic necessities of living (eat, pee, sleep, and, occasionally, work).

"And what's the big deal? It's just a little sex you're not getting. Grow a pair and get over it!" you say. Well, this is where it gets a little more complicated.

It's not just my sex life that's suffering from his addiction. His pit bull, Loki (sweetest dog ever, seriously a gigantic, toothsome teddy bear), has epilepsy, and suffers from near-constant seizures. It's manageable now that he's on phenobarbital, a medication that completely suppresses his seizures. The medicine needs to be administered every 8-12 hours, or the levels of phenobarbital in Loki's system will drop below the amount needed to stop the seizures. The levels can drop in as little as 2 days, if doses are missed.

Why is this relevant? When my boyfriend is playing WoW or Monster Hunter or what have you, he often forgets his responsibilities, one of which is giving Loki his medication. And if Loki misses two (or more) doses, he will begin having seizures again. And trust me, that's not something that anyone wants to see happen. It's sad, and he pees everywhere. This doesn't seem to concern the boyfriend at all when he's playing his games. If I'm there, I'll usually step up and do it, but I can't be there 24/7.

Also, his bedroom is a complete disaster area. In fact, it got so bad a few days ago, there were actually ANTS crawling around his room and bathroom. Which are both on the SECOND FLOOR. He'll just put his dirty dishes, or open bags of chips, down on either the floor or his desk, and leave them there for DAYS. And I'm the one that ended up having to kill and clean up the ants, because he was too busy playing WoW to do it himself.

So yes, it is indeed possible for a game to be TOO fun, and there's a fine line between recreation and addiction. There are COUNTLESS news stories of people ignoring responsibilities (including their BABIES) in favor of playing a video game.* If you or someone you love is showing signs of video game addiction, you need to take DRASTIC action. Break the game disk. Hack into their on-line game account and delete all their equipment, and the entire character if possible. They may get mad now, but they'll thank you for it in the long run.

* See links below.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/05/korean-girl-starved-online-game
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/14/mother-obsessed-with-comp_n_715879.html

My Sober Summer, Episode 1

This post is a few days late, as My Sober Summer actually started on July 1st. But, I had better things to blog about, obviously. Worry not, though, as Episode 1 of My Sober Summer is finally here!


I'm currently participating in a (mandatory) program, where I am not allowed to smoke, drink alcohol of any kind (including NyQuil) even though I'm over 21, or do any type of drugs, including prescriptions (unless said prescription is of live-saving importance). Basically, I'm not allowed to do anything fun, nor am I allowed my medication for my bi-polar disorder.


Let the excitement begin!


Every week, I'm required to submit a urinalysis to my local lab for testing. This is to make sure I'm staying on-track with the program, clearing out my system and generally becoming healthier. This means that I have to pee in a cup and pour it into a test bottle, and then hand my pee-filled bottle to a random stranger who labels it, and sends it away. The biggest problem I have with this is that I am absolutely disgusted by urine. It's a warm, yellow, foul-smelling WASTE PRODUCT that should not be dealt with other than to excrete it, preferably directly into a toilet. The fact that I have to save mine and put my hands near it is revolting.



Also, I'm almost 22. I waited 21 long years to be old enough to legally drink alcohol. 21 long years to be able to go out to a bar with my boyfriend, play beer pong with my friends, party it up in Vegas. The fact that alcohol is LEGAL for me, and I'm not allowed to drink it, PISSES ME OFF! I mean, who the fuck are YOU to tell me I can't do something that I'm LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DO? It's booshit, booshit, BOOSHIT.



Lastly, I'm a rampaging, suicidal nutcase when I'm not on my mood stabilizers. But, my therapist says I have an addictive personality, and I'm at a high risk of becoming dependant on them. Which is obviously the point of taking them! I depend on them to stabilize my moods. Without them, I'm either a raging psychotic or a pathetic, weeping sadsack. Depending on how I'm feeling, it's either terrifying, or sad, to watch. And ANYTHING can set me off: My cup was moved; someone ate my last ice cream; there's too much sunlight in my room; I don't like your face; out of toilet paper; I'm having trouble with a video game; there's a weird smell, etc.



So far, other than being grossed out by the urinalysis, I'm not doing too bad. My boyfriend keeps me pretty grounded, he's silly and sweet and keeps me distracted. He also gives me rides to the lab. I'm a little afraid, however, of what will happen when I can't spend all of my time with him (we don't live together). I've been spending the night at his house every night, but I can't do that all the time.


Oh well, guess I'll keep you updated.


Week One: So far, so good.

Responsibility

How To Avoid Being Late For Things: A List of Ways YOU Can Ensure Timely Arrivals

We're all guilty of it from time to time (some, more often than others). We show up a few (or several) minutes / hours late for an appointment / picking up a friend / a gig, whatever. Or, sometimes, we don't show up at all, because we forgot / fell asleep / had an emergency / got sick / are lazy. While it might sometimes not be our fault, it still happens.
So, I've comprised a handy-dandy list (along with some insider tips!) of ways you can ensure that you will always arrive in a timely manner.

1.) Remember that you said you would be at Place X, at Time Y.
You'd be surprised at how difficult this is for some (or most) people. Some tips for improving your memory:
~ Write it down. Studies have shown that writing things down improves your memory considerably.
~ Say it aloud to yourself a few times. See 'write it down'.
~ Smoke less weed. FACT: On average, the less weed you smoke, the better your memory will be!


2.) Set a reminder alarm for 5-15 minutes before you need to leave.
This way, even if you yourself forget about it completely, you'll still be able to make it. Alarm mechanisms:
~ Alarm clock
~ Phone alarm
~ Onlinealarmclock.com
~ The 'set reminder time' option on your cable company's guide menu
~ Hotel Wake-Up Call


3.) Pay attention to your text messages and phone calls.
In this day and age, it's almost unheard of to not have a cell phone if you're over the age of 15. So, it's likely that the person you are picking up / owner of the club you're playing a gig in / friend you're meeting / your boss will call or text you either before or right on the time that you are supposed to arrive. What you can do to make sure you receive these messages:
~ Turn your ringer volume up
~ Keep your phone at a reachable distance
~ If turning up the ringer volume is not an option, keep it on vibrate and keep it on your lap (^_O) / in your pocket / in your hand


4.) Stay awake, at least until the specified time.
It's a pretty simple concept; if you know you need to be somewhere, it would be in your best interest not to fall asleep, thus sleeping through your appointment / meeting / pick-up time / gig. If you set a reminder alarm, outlined in Item 2, this does not apply to you. Tips for keeping yourself awake:
~ Drink some caffeine. FACT: Drinking caffeine causes your blood vessels to widen, allowing more oxygen-rich blood to flow through your body and up to your brain, increasing your alertness.
~ Smoke less weed. FACT: Marijuana releases dopamine and serotonin in your brain, producing a feeling of euphoria. It also introduces carbon monoxide and benzene into your system, both of which are poisons, with the side effect of extreme drowsiness. On average, the less weed you smoke, the less tired you will feel!
~ Watch T.V. or keep the radio on. FACT: Loud noises usually prevent you from falling asleep.
~ Have someone repeatedly spritz you in the face with cold water.
~ Ask someone to slap or pinch you every time you look like you're going to doze off.
~ Exercise! FACT: Exercise releases endorphins (much like marijuana, but legal!), and gets your blood flowing quickly (much like caffeine, but healthy!), keeping your energy levels up. Also, it keeps you fit and healthy!

5.) Avoid distractions.
If you're like me, you're easily distracted by things like entertaining programming or shiny objects. These things can either throw off your sense of time completely, or keep your attention so thoroughly that you think, "Oh, just one more minute..." over and over again until you've missed whatever you were supposed to do entirely.  Again, if you set a reminder alarm, this doesn't NECESSARILY apply to you, unless of course you ignore that alarm. If you know this about yourself, take some steps to avoid being distracted:
~ Don't start watching one of your favorite television shows. Chances are it'll be on again later, or you can watch it online.
~ Don't start playing a video game. Most of the time, they are just too fun and you won't want to stop on time.
~ Employ a friend to keep you on track by slapping you repeatedly in the face. This will usually ensure that you don't have any attention left to bestow upon something terribly distracting.
~ Don't stay on the phone for too long. Let Mom know that Mr. McMittens getting his big-boy shots is FASCINATING, and you'd love to hear more about that LATER.

Finally, it is considered common courtesy to let someone know if you will be unable to show up to your appointment / meeting / pick-up / gig. Unless you or they do not have a phone, or you are otherwise completely unable to contact them, it's as simple as sending a quick "Sorry, can't make it" message. You can send this message as early as you like, even HOURS before. You can even send it if you think you'll be able to make it. That way, if you do show up, it'll be a pleasant surprise.

Commercials (Part 1)

I know that I'm not alone in thinking that commercial breaks are far too long. I mean, honestly, I feel like I watch a lot more commercials than actual T.V. show.

Allow me to shed some light on the subject:

The first commercial to air in the U.S. was on July 1, 1941. It was a 20 second slot during the Dodgers/Phillies game, for the watchmaker Bulova. Commercials didn't start airing regularly until the early 1990s, due to the high cost of air time.

In the 1960s, a typical hour-long program would run 51 minutes, excluding commercials.
The average length of an advertisement was 1 minute, and only one or two commercials would be shown per break.

Today, the average length of an hour-long program is only 42 minutes, excluding commercials, and a typical 30 minute block now consists of 22 minutes of show, with 6 minutes of local advertising, 2 minutes of national.
Some shows go even farther, and only have 18 minutes of show and 12 minutes of commercials.
The average length of a commercial today is 15 seconds.
The average length of a commercial break is 2-4 minutes. Longer if it's the Super Bowl.

Today, over the course of 10 hours, viewers are subjected to about 3 hours of commercials, which is TWICE what it was in the '60s.
That's about 6.5 hours of commercials per day, which leaves about 17.5 hours of actual television.

The average person pays approximately $75 a month for cable (if you don't include Stars, HBO, Cinemax, etc.).
That means we pay about $2.50 for cable per day.
That's a little over 10 cents an hour.

That breaks down to $1.75 per day for the actual programming, leaving 75 cents per day for commercials.
That means we're paying $22.50 per month JUST FOR COMMERCIALS.

We are PAYING to be ADVERTISED TO for things that we would need to PAY FOR.

Doesn't that cheese anyone else off? And there's no way around it. You can't pay your cable company to exclude the advertising. You can get TiVo, but you still have to fast-forward through the commercial breaks. You can channel-surf during the commercial breaks, but you might forget to turn back on time, thus missing part of your show. Sometimes you can get up and go do something else while the commercials are running, but do you really need to get up every 6-8 minutes? I know I don't.

We need to go back to the good old days, when commercials only aired during the break between different shows. I want to be able to sit down to my show and, if I am watching an hour-long show, I want to see at least 55 minutes worth of programming. That leaves five whole minutes of advertising time in between shows. If the big companies can't make due with that, then too bad for them. In the golden age of the Internet, if I need something, or need to know about a product, I can Google that shit.

So, my fellow TV watchers, hear me and join me: Viva La Television Revolution!

Facebook is the Devil

I, like many, many others in the world, have a Facebook page. For the most part, I enjoy it. I like keeping up with friends that I hardly get to see, and I like playing Fishville (I have a thing for pet fish). I have fun 'Like'-ing friend's funny status updates, and quoting my funny friends in my own status. I like to 'Poke' my boyfriend (heheheh).

But, Facebook is still the Devil. Here's why:

1) Try as I might, I cannot stop myself from looking at my exes pages. The need for me to know that they are not as well-off as me is overwhelming. My desire to make sure that they didn't trade up, or are still working that same shitty food service job, is completely unbearable and, at some point or another, I'm going to look. And when I do, I am almost always stricken with jarring disappointment and hatred, and the rest of my day is ruined. I subsequently bore/annoy all of my friends because, now, it's all I can talk about.

2) People I have no desire to speak to like to 'friend' me. My profile is set to what I like to call 'Super Extra Ultra Secret Stealth Mode'. The name is not my real name, and I have all of the built-in privacy settings on max. You cannot search my name, my e-mail, or anything like that and expect to find my page. You can, however, see that I am friends with your friends, as my profile picture is, indeed, a picture of me. I do this for a number of reasons, though manly to keep people I don't want to talk to from finding my page. Yet, somehow, SOME WAY, people I don't care to know manage to find me. They mostly find me through friends of friends, or that damn friend finder suggestion box. Look, people, if you aren't my Facebook friend already, then there's a reason. You, girl who only talks to me when she wants something, LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want to hear your sob story lies about how you and your Dad and your dog all have cancer and AIDS but you're all pregnant anyway and you NEED me to take you out for some drinks AND pay for it because, even though you just finished nursing school, you can't find a job to save your life.
This isn't only restricted to annoying acquaintances. I don't need my old high school teachers 'checking up' on me, and I don't need my family members to constantly know what I am up to, especially if it's raucous debauchery, as it usually is.

3) Every time I 'Like' something, I constantly get bombarded with updates about people 'Like'-ing or commenting on it. I'll be lying in bed, innocently trying to fall asleep, when my phone will start vibrating. I think, "Oh, it must be my boyfriend, sending me a good night text!" So, I look at my phone, and it's something along the lines of "OMG LOL haha that is soooooooooooooooooooo trueeeee! I LOVE THIS PIC!" Or sometimes it's something simple, like "Jaquline Kennedy has also commented on Veronica Verone's status." As though I care! Facebook, please. If I care, I will just log in and look at whatever it is I commented on. But even then it won't stop pestering me! I 'Like' one simple status update, and all of a sudden, the next time I log in, I'm assaulted with 'Notifications' about someone 'Like'-ing or commenting on that same status. And someone got into an argument on there, so there are, like, fifty comments. JUST STOP THE INSANITY!

4) There are fields for your address AND phone number. And some people actually USE them. It's called 'Facebook stalking' for a reason, people.

5) Other people can 'tag' you in pictures. If you've ever been 'tagged' in someone else's album, you know exactly what I mean. You thought that rather unflattering photo of you passed out while sitting on the toilet was safely deleted or inside someone's camera, never to see the light of day. But you were horribly, horribly wrong. You open your Facebook page one morning to discover a new notification, like "Christina Terroz tagged a Photo of you." Well, Christina was at that party, but you figure it's one of the many innocent and innocuous pictures from BEFORE you made a fool of yourself. But, SURPRISE! There you are, in all of your drunken, blacked-out, vomit-covered glory. And now every single person on your friends list can see it.

I could literally go on like this all day. Employers asking to 'Friend' you, family members embarrassing you, people posting pictures of their ugly babies as their profile pic, that one person that takes hundreds of pictures of themselves in the same outfit at slightly different (or sometimes, not different at all) angles...
GOD FORBID two of your friends are 'In a relationship'. Then you're accosted with photos of the happy couple kissing, and status updates like, "I love my gorgeous loveydoveylovebug of love!!"

But, I digress. Facebook is just the latest in an increasingly long line of devilish social websites. There were many before it, and will be many after. All I ask of you, fellow Facebookers, is that you keep yourselves safe, and DON'T post your address / phone number unless you are CERTAIN that your privacy settings are adequate.

Hummers

Let me clarify before I even start: I'm NOT talking about a lewd sexual act. I'm talking about the vehicles. You know the ones, they were originally intended to act as mini-tanks for the Military; and now we have things like this:

This, ladies and gentleman, is a Hummer stretch limousine, the most obnoxious civilian vehicle on the planet. THIS is why the rest of the world hates America. This thing only gets about 8mpg, less when full of passengers (it seats about 20). It has 8 tires. If this isn't a blatant slap in the face to Mother Nature, then nothing is.

And I don't only extend my disdain toward the limo version. I think all civilian Hummers (H1, H2, and H3) are obnoxious and unnecessary, and that the people who drive them are douchebags.

Here's a quick quiz to determine whether or not you need a Hummer:
1) Are you in the deserts of Iraq or Afghanistan, shooting members of Al Qaeda?
2) Does your daily commute consist of large expanses of extremely rough terrain?
3) Are you transporting extremely valuable or dangerous goods across state/country borders on a daily basis?

If you answered 'no' to any of those questions, then YOU DO NOT NEED A HUMMER. There is absolutely no reason to drive a Hummer in the city. If you are driving a Hummer in the city then you are an obnoxious, gas guzzling, fear-mongering, over-compensating twatwaffle.

Even if you occasionally go off-roading, a Hummer is still unnecessary. Jeep makes perfectly good, smaller, easier-to-handle off-roading models that would easily serve your purposes:

There are plenty more, and they all work just as well. They come with huge tires or small ones, front, back, or all-wheel drive, pretty much anything you need. And they get much better gas mileage.



Luckily, for my sanity and for the Earth, Hummer brand vehicles were discontinued by General Motors in February of 2010. This unfortunately does not stop people who already own Hummers from driving them around town for no good reason, but it's a step in the right direction.

If you or anyone you know owns a Hummer, and does not meet the requirements outlined by the above questionnaire, then please, seek help; there is obviously something you are compensating for, and there IS help. You CAN overcome this and turn into a functioning member of society.

Tattoos

Let me start by saying that this will not be a post bashing tattoos/people who get tattoos(in general). I have a tattoo myself, and I love it(note the sweet 4-pack):

 I got it in February of '09. I was searching for images to use as an avatar on a website that I frequent (spacefem dot com), and I saw this and thought, "That would make a fantastic tattoo!" It's only black ink (apparently red ink contains nickle, and I have a severe nickle allergy, so I decided to opt out of color all together), and I love how it's a little cartoon-y. I got it the day after I found the image online. The 'S' is for Slytherin. Yes, as in Slytherin House, as in Hogwarts, as in Harry Potter. Don't judge me. (I call it my 'stealth geek' tattoo, because you don't automatically recognize it as an HP tattoo, so it's stealthily geeky!)

I wanted to get it somewhere that I would be able to cover easily, but I also wanted to be able to see it myself. So basically, no one knows I have a tattoo until I show them, or unless I'm wearing a bathing suit. And I like it that way. My tattoo is a private expression of my personality (and commemoration for my love of Harry Potter), and like the rest of my private parts, is not for display.
I'm not saying that I have a problem with tattoos that can be easily seen. In fact, I want my next tattoo to go on my right wrist.

What I really want to talk about is something that I'm sure many people, with or without tattoos, can relate to: How difficult it is to look at/study a stranger's clearly visible tattoo. Sometimes, when I'm out and about during my day, I like to look at people's tattoos. I try to do this surreptitiously, because it's rude to stare, and I'm far too much of a sociophobe to A) let them know I'm looking or B) talk to them about it.

Invariably, though, they will notice my fervent, paranoid glances in their direction, and be either weirded out or extremely offended. But, at the same time, if you have a tattoo that is visible in normal clothing, I'd assume that you want people to look at it. But, I'm still too phobic to mention that/not care if you see me looking.
Also, I take public transportation almost every day, because I'm "GREEN"... And I don't have a car. (But, I can TELL people that I care more about being "green" than I actually do because I take the bus.) As you may have guessed, this is prime opportunity for people watching, and for noticing tattoos. In fact, I met one of my exes that way, but that's another story.

Here are a few facts about the number of people who have tattoos, and the number of people that take public transportation in America(United States):

According to the U.S. Census (2010), there are 311, 956,249 people living in America. Of those, 76.7% are over 18. That means there are approximately 215,249,811 tattoo-able Americans.
According to a study by the Pew Research Center (2010), 36% of Americans age 18-25, 40% ages 26-40, and 10% ages 41-60 are tattooed. That makes 86% of Americans over 18 tattooed, which translates into about 185,114,837 tattooed Americans.
Approximately 75% of people with tattoos have VISIBLE tattoos.

According to publictransit dot com (2010), about 14 million Americans take public transportation daily (like me!). That means that there is a 13% chance that everyone on the bus will have a tattoo. And one bus can fit up to 60 people. So that means that about 8 or so people are likely to have tattoos on any given bus at any given time.Which means about 6 of those people have visible tattoos.


And there is a 100% chance that I will be curious about said visible tattoos and want to look at them. ESPECIALLY if the person I am looking at is covered in them. And even MORE especially if they're stupid. Like this one time, I saw this guy on the bus that was absolutely COVERED in ridiculous and poor quality tattoos, like a railroad spike on his face.
Once, I saw a girl with what looked like the beginnings of a sleeve at the top of her arm near the shoulder. It was a triceratops killing a tyrannosaurus. And it was fucking sweet. But I couldn't get a good look at it, because she kept glancing up from her book and glaring, as if to say "Stop staring at me, crazy person, or you will meet with the same Fate as this tyrannosaurus!"

I think we all need to agree on some tattoo etiquette. If you have a visible tattoo, stop getting all offended when people stare at you. It was your decision to get that devil Hello Kitty tattoo on your forehead, what did you think was going to happen?
For the most part, I respect the art that is your ink, and I'd like to appreciate it fully without having to feel awkward and embarrassed at wanting to see it.

A Quicky Grammar Lesson

Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and neither is my writing. I do pride myself, however, on my ability to differentiate between phonetically similar, yet definition-ally different words(homonyms).

By far, the most glaringly obvious example of this would be the difference between "your" and "you're". So many people I know think that these words are interchangeable. This is not the case. They are two completely different words with two completely different definitions. No, really! Stay with me on this one. I can prove it.

Definitions of "your" and "you're", respectively, from dictionary.com:

Your - [pronoun] -1. a form of the possessive case of you, used as an attributive adjective: Your jacket is in that closet. I like your idea. Compare: Yours
2. one's, used to indicate that one belonging to oneself or to any person: The consulate is your best source of information. As you go down the hill, the library is on your left.
3. used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type: Take your factory worker, for instance. Your power brakes don't need that much servicing.

You're - contraction of you are:  You're certain that's right?

As you can plainly see, these words DO NOT mean the same thing. In fact, the second is not even a singular word, but a shortened form of two different words, you and are, as in You are going to be taken by the Grammar Nazis if you do not start using these words correctly.

When in doubt, say the sentence you are trying to convey out loud to yourself. Can you replace the word "your" with "you are"? Is the subject of your sentence DOING something? If so, use "you're", or, even better, just use "you are" to eliminate any possible confusion.

Does the subject of the sentence BELONG to someone? Then use "your", as in Your grammar needs to improve or I will personally hunt you down and chop off all of your fingers.

In fact, when you say "your" and "you're" out loud, they should sound different. "Your" should be pronounced "yore", as in "the saintly days of yore". "You're" should sound more like "yew-er", and should phonetically rhyme with "sewer".

This concludes today's lesson on grammar. In the words of a good friend of mine, "You're right, people are stupid though, and you're smart. Now go get your hair did."