Attention: Black or White Crown Victoria Drivers

Do you realize what you're doing to our nerves?

This is YOU:


This is a police car:


When the rest of us are driving, expecially at night, and YOU pull up behind us, this is what we see in the rearview:


I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and thought, "Oh shit, is that a cop?!" only to discover that, no, it's just a fucking Crown Vic.
It's not a cool car. It doesn't have a particularly nice interior. It doesn't even get good gas milage. I can't for the life of me understand why someone would want to buy one. And you MUST know that you're scaring people. Is that part of the appeal? I don't get it.

Also, for anyone that actually drives a retired police vehicle: Fuck you. Fuck you and the car you drove in with. You people take sadistic pleasure in using your car to make other drivers nervous, and you should be ashamed.

The Evolution of Musical Taste

If you're anything like me (and let's face it, you probably are), you know what kind of music you like, and what kind of music you think is the audible equivalent of stabbing yourself in the face repeatedly.

But, for most of us, it wasn't always this way. You likely have significantly different taste in music than you did when you were, say, five (though I have to admit that "Old MacDonald" is damn catchy). It's even likely that your musical preference has changed from even when you were in middle school, high school, and (if you're old enough), college. And while most of us will still listen to the music we grew up with (yay for the '90s, the greatest musical decade of them all), our taste for music that is currently on the radio is probably a lot different than it used to be.

There are several factors that influence our taste in music: Age, location, exposure, hearing ability, peers, family, etc. When you were five, your parents and peers were exposing you to "baby music", things like "Mary Had a Little Lamb" and the "Alphabet Song". Back then, that shit was all the rage for you and your limited understanding of the world. "Itsy Bitsy Spider" was number 1 on your iPod "Favorite Mix" list.

You probably didn't start developing real taste in music until you started school at around six or seven, when your parents or the bus driver would have the radio playing on the way to school. But, even then, you ended up liking things that your parents / bus driver exposed you to. Depending on where you grew up, it could've been anything from country to grunge. And, in those same years, you were probably seeing advertisements for different music on T.V., which was helping to shape your fragile opinions.

It wasn't until middle school that your friends, whose parents exposed them to different music than yours did to you, started forcing their music upon you. And you probably went with it, because you wanted to be "cool" and to "fit in". This continues all the way through college, with the genre changing every couple of years. Riding with your boyfriend / girlfriend in his / her car? Now, either "Barbie Girl" or "American Idiot" is playing on repeat in your head. Working in a place that has Muzak stations playing over the sound system? You're suddenly mouthing along with Macy Gray's "Try to Walk Away". Often, you don't even notice that the change has occurred.

When I was very young (around six), my grandparents were playing "American Pie" and "Horse With No Name", and other classic rock songs in the car and the house. If you had asked me, I would have said that this music was the epitome of awesome, and that, if other music existed, it paled in comparison with these audible chocolate wonders. Then, when I started taking dance lessons, my instructor was having us dance to show tunes and dance music, and I refused to listen to anything else. When I was a bit older (around eight), I moved in with my mother full-time, and she loved the Barenaked Ladies. It was almost all I heard, all the time. So, naturally, I grew to love them as well (I still do, as well as the classic rock from earlier, because, let's face it, they're great). I'd also get to listen to '90s alternative, which I really enjoyed. Right before my ninth birthday, we moved down to Florida, right in the panhandle, A.K.A. the "Deep South". The only thing anyone listened to down there was country. I was bombarded with "Songs about Rain", and all the boys wanted to be Kenney Chesney and tell their friend that "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy". I shudder at the thought of how much they corrupted my poor innocent mind.

When I got to high school, I moved out here to Arizona, so I started listening to more alternative rock, which I liked a lot more than country. I still preferred '90s alternative, but new rock was overtaking my tastes as well.

And now I'm in college, and I don't have my own car. Since my freshman year, I've been getting rides from my friends and now my roommate, and ALL THEY WILL LISTEN TO IS RAP AND HIP HOP AND POP. So one day I'm being awesome and headbanging with a Slayer song, the next day I'm bopping along to Ke$ha, wondering where the fuck my life went so wrong.

My Sober Summer, Episode 2: The River

So yesterday, me and six of my closest friends decided to go tubing down the Salt River.
Tubing, for those who don't know, is when you gather as many of your dumbest / most reckless friends as possible, and bring several coolers full of alcohol and marshmallows (not to eat, but to throw at other tubers), and some sort of flotation device(s) to the nearest river, and willingly expose most (if not all) of your skin to the ravages of the Sun. A speaker system and mix of good music is optional, but highly recommended.

(When I first found this pic, I thought that someone had actually snapped a picture of my friends and I, until, upon closer inspection, I saw it's just six dudes.)

Around here, we just call this "going to the river", because there's only one river, and there's only one thing you do at the river.

While tubing, you are encouraged, nay, obligated to befriend and accommodate your fellow tubers. Inevitably, you will bump into another group of people, or pass another large party, and the only acceptable form of communication is a very loud, very obnoxious "WOOOOOOOO!" or, if you are male and passing a group of females, "TITS FOR BEER!" Those groups with sound systems will ultimately be stuck to those without, and will be invited to several "party camps" situated along the riverbanks. Food, drinks, drugs, and oral herpes will be passed around and shared amongst all groups.

It's tradition on the river to drink until you love everyone / can't feel your skin frying. And if you've been paying attention, you know that I cannot drink, and was therefore the designated sober person for my group of seven.

On the downside, I couldn't get drunk with my friends. On the upside, being the sober person in the group has several advantages:
1) I did not have "beer goggles" and therefore did not allow less-than-favorable men to hit on me.
2) I did not throw up (like my poor friend).
3) I was able to stand up successfully on my tube, and was therefore crowned "King of the River" by some passersby. (Yes, I'm a chick. Apparently that doesn't matter when everyone's drinking.)
4) I got to repeatedly warn and laugh at my friend Natasha, who was almost constantly nipping out, but too drunk to notice.
5) I got to laugh as my friends got increasingly intoxicated, and therefore increasingly unable to successfully adjust themselves in their tubes or get drinks out of the coolers.
6) I escaped with relatively minor burns, having enough presence of mind to re-apply my sunblock about halfway through.
7) No one minded my horrible, out-of-key renditions of Baby Got Back, Fly, Fat-Bottom Girls, and every Ke$ha song (in fact, almost everyone we passed joined in).
8) I did not fall into the river at any point.
9) All of my items were accounted for at the end of the river.

While my friends were busy untying the tubes and lamenting lost objects, I got excited about the loach minnows swimming close to the riverbank. So excited, in fact, that I made my sweet boyfriend catch me one! He used his t-shirt as a net and we filled an empty juice bottle with river water to use as his temporary home. I'm still trying to figure out what I can feed him, since apparently he's an insectivore, and I don't know of any pre-made fishfood made of bugs. His name is Barry Minnowlow.
I didn't find out until it was too late that loach minnows are an endangered species, which means I probably shouldn't have taken him home. But, it's too late now, he's all mine!

All in all, even though I had to stay sober, it was a pretty fun day at the river.

Week Two: Still going strong.

Video Games

Let me be the first to say, I'm a fan of video games. I like to sit down in front of the television with nothing but a controller in my hand and the will to survive after a long day of work. There is something primally satisfying about mercilessly slaughtering virtual characters with no real-world consequences. It can work out a lot of aggression and competitiveness. Collecting virtual objects in a make-believe world satisfies the hoarder in me as well. (Seriously, I never get rid of anything if I have enough inventory space, which is definitely the case with my favorite game, Kingdom of Loathing. Google that shit!)

I do, however, have one HUGE pet peeve associated with video games: They are sometimes TOO FUN.

"But Brandy, what ever can you possibly mean? How can something be TOO fun?!" you ask. Well, I'll tell you via a hypothetical situational experiment.

Let's say you're a guy, and you have a relatively attractive girlfriend. You are playing a game, such as World of Warcraft, or Fallout, or Rift, or Team Fortress, or some other MMO/RPG or XBox, or PS3 game, or whatever gaming platform you prefer. Your relatively attractive girlfriend propositions you for a romp. Your game does not have a 'pause' feature.
What do you do?
If you're most men past the age of puberty, you'll likely abandon your game (at least for the moment) to take advantage of your girlfriend's unusually generous mood. Regardless of how much you like that game, sex will pretty much always win out in the end.

Unless, of course, you're my boyfriend. Now, I'd like to think that I'm relatively attractive, and my boyfriend is constantly telling me how pretty I am. I'm not trying to call myself a 10 or anything, but I've never before had a problem getting a guy in bed, especially once we've started dating.

My boyfriend, however, will continue playing whatever game he's currently interested in, usually World of Warcraft. Last night, it was Monster Hunter Tri for the Wii. And usually, he claims that he doesn't even like the Wii! But, it's a new game that we just bought yesterday, so he wanted to see if it was any good. (We also bought Spyro: Eternal Night, but that's a shit game for twats. I mean, seriously, what the hell? They changed EVERYTHING! But I'll talk more about that later.)

The only reason I can think of that he would rather play a game than have sex with me (because, and I'm going to toot my own horn for a second, I'm pretty good in the sack) is that is that he is addicted, because it's TOO FUN. It's SO FUN that he simply CANNOT stop playing for any reason other than the basic necessities of living (eat, pee, sleep, and, occasionally, work).

"And what's the big deal? It's just a little sex you're not getting. Grow a pair and get over it!" you say. Well, this is where it gets a little more complicated.

It's not just my sex life that's suffering from his addiction. His pit bull, Loki (sweetest dog ever, seriously a gigantic, toothsome teddy bear), has epilepsy, and suffers from near-constant seizures. It's manageable now that he's on phenobarbital, a medication that completely suppresses his seizures. The medicine needs to be administered every 8-12 hours, or the levels of phenobarbital in Loki's system will drop below the amount needed to stop the seizures. The levels can drop in as little as 2 days, if doses are missed.

Why is this relevant? When my boyfriend is playing WoW or Monster Hunter or what have you, he often forgets his responsibilities, one of which is giving Loki his medication. And if Loki misses two (or more) doses, he will begin having seizures again. And trust me, that's not something that anyone wants to see happen. It's sad, and he pees everywhere. This doesn't seem to concern the boyfriend at all when he's playing his games. If I'm there, I'll usually step up and do it, but I can't be there 24/7.

Also, his bedroom is a complete disaster area. In fact, it got so bad a few days ago, there were actually ANTS crawling around his room and bathroom. Which are both on the SECOND FLOOR. He'll just put his dirty dishes, or open bags of chips, down on either the floor or his desk, and leave them there for DAYS. And I'm the one that ended up having to kill and clean up the ants, because he was too busy playing WoW to do it himself.

So yes, it is indeed possible for a game to be TOO fun, and there's a fine line between recreation and addiction. There are COUNTLESS news stories of people ignoring responsibilities (including their BABIES) in favor of playing a video game.* If you or someone you love is showing signs of video game addiction, you need to take DRASTIC action. Break the game disk. Hack into their on-line game account and delete all their equipment, and the entire character if possible. They may get mad now, but they'll thank you for it in the long run.

* See links below.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/05/korean-girl-starved-online-game
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/14/mother-obsessed-with-comp_n_715879.html

My Sober Summer, Episode 1

This post is a few days late, as My Sober Summer actually started on July 1st. But, I had better things to blog about, obviously. Worry not, though, as Episode 1 of My Sober Summer is finally here!


I'm currently participating in a (mandatory) program, where I am not allowed to smoke, drink alcohol of any kind (including NyQuil) even though I'm over 21, or do any type of drugs, including prescriptions (unless said prescription is of live-saving importance). Basically, I'm not allowed to do anything fun, nor am I allowed my medication for my bi-polar disorder.


Let the excitement begin!


Every week, I'm required to submit a urinalysis to my local lab for testing. This is to make sure I'm staying on-track with the program, clearing out my system and generally becoming healthier. This means that I have to pee in a cup and pour it into a test bottle, and then hand my pee-filled bottle to a random stranger who labels it, and sends it away. The biggest problem I have with this is that I am absolutely disgusted by urine. It's a warm, yellow, foul-smelling WASTE PRODUCT that should not be dealt with other than to excrete it, preferably directly into a toilet. The fact that I have to save mine and put my hands near it is revolting.



Also, I'm almost 22. I waited 21 long years to be old enough to legally drink alcohol. 21 long years to be able to go out to a bar with my boyfriend, play beer pong with my friends, party it up in Vegas. The fact that alcohol is LEGAL for me, and I'm not allowed to drink it, PISSES ME OFF! I mean, who the fuck are YOU to tell me I can't do something that I'm LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DO? It's booshit, booshit, BOOSHIT.



Lastly, I'm a rampaging, suicidal nutcase when I'm not on my mood stabilizers. But, my therapist says I have an addictive personality, and I'm at a high risk of becoming dependant on them. Which is obviously the point of taking them! I depend on them to stabilize my moods. Without them, I'm either a raging psychotic or a pathetic, weeping sadsack. Depending on how I'm feeling, it's either terrifying, or sad, to watch. And ANYTHING can set me off: My cup was moved; someone ate my last ice cream; there's too much sunlight in my room; I don't like your face; out of toilet paper; I'm having trouble with a video game; there's a weird smell, etc.



So far, other than being grossed out by the urinalysis, I'm not doing too bad. My boyfriend keeps me pretty grounded, he's silly and sweet and keeps me distracted. He also gives me rides to the lab. I'm a little afraid, however, of what will happen when I can't spend all of my time with him (we don't live together). I've been spending the night at his house every night, but I can't do that all the time.


Oh well, guess I'll keep you updated.


Week One: So far, so good.

Responsibility

How To Avoid Being Late For Things: A List of Ways YOU Can Ensure Timely Arrivals

We're all guilty of it from time to time (some, more often than others). We show up a few (or several) minutes / hours late for an appointment / picking up a friend / a gig, whatever. Or, sometimes, we don't show up at all, because we forgot / fell asleep / had an emergency / got sick / are lazy. While it might sometimes not be our fault, it still happens.
So, I've comprised a handy-dandy list (along with some insider tips!) of ways you can ensure that you will always arrive in a timely manner.

1.) Remember that you said you would be at Place X, at Time Y.
You'd be surprised at how difficult this is for some (or most) people. Some tips for improving your memory:
~ Write it down. Studies have shown that writing things down improves your memory considerably.
~ Say it aloud to yourself a few times. See 'write it down'.
~ Smoke less weed. FACT: On average, the less weed you smoke, the better your memory will be!


2.) Set a reminder alarm for 5-15 minutes before you need to leave.
This way, even if you yourself forget about it completely, you'll still be able to make it. Alarm mechanisms:
~ Alarm clock
~ Phone alarm
~ Onlinealarmclock.com
~ The 'set reminder time' option on your cable company's guide menu
~ Hotel Wake-Up Call


3.) Pay attention to your text messages and phone calls.
In this day and age, it's almost unheard of to not have a cell phone if you're over the age of 15. So, it's likely that the person you are picking up / owner of the club you're playing a gig in / friend you're meeting / your boss will call or text you either before or right on the time that you are supposed to arrive. What you can do to make sure you receive these messages:
~ Turn your ringer volume up
~ Keep your phone at a reachable distance
~ If turning up the ringer volume is not an option, keep it on vibrate and keep it on your lap (^_O) / in your pocket / in your hand


4.) Stay awake, at least until the specified time.
It's a pretty simple concept; if you know you need to be somewhere, it would be in your best interest not to fall asleep, thus sleeping through your appointment / meeting / pick-up time / gig. If you set a reminder alarm, outlined in Item 2, this does not apply to you. Tips for keeping yourself awake:
~ Drink some caffeine. FACT: Drinking caffeine causes your blood vessels to widen, allowing more oxygen-rich blood to flow through your body and up to your brain, increasing your alertness.
~ Smoke less weed. FACT: Marijuana releases dopamine and serotonin in your brain, producing a feeling of euphoria. It also introduces carbon monoxide and benzene into your system, both of which are poisons, with the side effect of extreme drowsiness. On average, the less weed you smoke, the less tired you will feel!
~ Watch T.V. or keep the radio on. FACT: Loud noises usually prevent you from falling asleep.
~ Have someone repeatedly spritz you in the face with cold water.
~ Ask someone to slap or pinch you every time you look like you're going to doze off.
~ Exercise! FACT: Exercise releases endorphins (much like marijuana, but legal!), and gets your blood flowing quickly (much like caffeine, but healthy!), keeping your energy levels up. Also, it keeps you fit and healthy!

5.) Avoid distractions.
If you're like me, you're easily distracted by things like entertaining programming or shiny objects. These things can either throw off your sense of time completely, or keep your attention so thoroughly that you think, "Oh, just one more minute..." over and over again until you've missed whatever you were supposed to do entirely.  Again, if you set a reminder alarm, this doesn't NECESSARILY apply to you, unless of course you ignore that alarm. If you know this about yourself, take some steps to avoid being distracted:
~ Don't start watching one of your favorite television shows. Chances are it'll be on again later, or you can watch it online.
~ Don't start playing a video game. Most of the time, they are just too fun and you won't want to stop on time.
~ Employ a friend to keep you on track by slapping you repeatedly in the face. This will usually ensure that you don't have any attention left to bestow upon something terribly distracting.
~ Don't stay on the phone for too long. Let Mom know that Mr. McMittens getting his big-boy shots is FASCINATING, and you'd love to hear more about that LATER.

Finally, it is considered common courtesy to let someone know if you will be unable to show up to your appointment / meeting / pick-up / gig. Unless you or they do not have a phone, or you are otherwise completely unable to contact them, it's as simple as sending a quick "Sorry, can't make it" message. You can send this message as early as you like, even HOURS before. You can even send it if you think you'll be able to make it. That way, if you do show up, it'll be a pleasant surprise.

Commercials (Part 1)

I know that I'm not alone in thinking that commercial breaks are far too long. I mean, honestly, I feel like I watch a lot more commercials than actual T.V. show.

Allow me to shed some light on the subject:

The first commercial to air in the U.S. was on July 1, 1941. It was a 20 second slot during the Dodgers/Phillies game, for the watchmaker Bulova. Commercials didn't start airing regularly until the early 1990s, due to the high cost of air time.

In the 1960s, a typical hour-long program would run 51 minutes, excluding commercials.
The average length of an advertisement was 1 minute, and only one or two commercials would be shown per break.

Today, the average length of an hour-long program is only 42 minutes, excluding commercials, and a typical 30 minute block now consists of 22 minutes of show, with 6 minutes of local advertising, 2 minutes of national.
Some shows go even farther, and only have 18 minutes of show and 12 minutes of commercials.
The average length of a commercial today is 15 seconds.
The average length of a commercial break is 2-4 minutes. Longer if it's the Super Bowl.

Today, over the course of 10 hours, viewers are subjected to about 3 hours of commercials, which is TWICE what it was in the '60s.
That's about 6.5 hours of commercials per day, which leaves about 17.5 hours of actual television.

The average person pays approximately $75 a month for cable (if you don't include Stars, HBO, Cinemax, etc.).
That means we pay about $2.50 for cable per day.
That's a little over 10 cents an hour.

That breaks down to $1.75 per day for the actual programming, leaving 75 cents per day for commercials.
That means we're paying $22.50 per month JUST FOR COMMERCIALS.

We are PAYING to be ADVERTISED TO for things that we would need to PAY FOR.

Doesn't that cheese anyone else off? And there's no way around it. You can't pay your cable company to exclude the advertising. You can get TiVo, but you still have to fast-forward through the commercial breaks. You can channel-surf during the commercial breaks, but you might forget to turn back on time, thus missing part of your show. Sometimes you can get up and go do something else while the commercials are running, but do you really need to get up every 6-8 minutes? I know I don't.

We need to go back to the good old days, when commercials only aired during the break between different shows. I want to be able to sit down to my show and, if I am watching an hour-long show, I want to see at least 55 minutes worth of programming. That leaves five whole minutes of advertising time in between shows. If the big companies can't make due with that, then too bad for them. In the golden age of the Internet, if I need something, or need to know about a product, I can Google that shit.

So, my fellow TV watchers, hear me and join me: Viva La Television Revolution!