Hummers

Let me clarify before I even start: I'm NOT talking about a lewd sexual act. I'm talking about the vehicles. You know the ones, they were originally intended to act as mini-tanks for the Military; and now we have things like this:

This, ladies and gentleman, is a Hummer stretch limousine, the most obnoxious civilian vehicle on the planet. THIS is why the rest of the world hates America. This thing only gets about 8mpg, less when full of passengers (it seats about 20). It has 8 tires. If this isn't a blatant slap in the face to Mother Nature, then nothing is.

And I don't only extend my disdain toward the limo version. I think all civilian Hummers (H1, H2, and H3) are obnoxious and unnecessary, and that the people who drive them are douchebags.

Here's a quick quiz to determine whether or not you need a Hummer:
1) Are you in the deserts of Iraq or Afghanistan, shooting members of Al Qaeda?
2) Does your daily commute consist of large expanses of extremely rough terrain?
3) Are you transporting extremely valuable or dangerous goods across state/country borders on a daily basis?

If you answered 'no' to any of those questions, then YOU DO NOT NEED A HUMMER. There is absolutely no reason to drive a Hummer in the city. If you are driving a Hummer in the city then you are an obnoxious, gas guzzling, fear-mongering, over-compensating twatwaffle.

Even if you occasionally go off-roading, a Hummer is still unnecessary. Jeep makes perfectly good, smaller, easier-to-handle off-roading models that would easily serve your purposes:

There are plenty more, and they all work just as well. They come with huge tires or small ones, front, back, or all-wheel drive, pretty much anything you need. And they get much better gas mileage.



Luckily, for my sanity and for the Earth, Hummer brand vehicles were discontinued by General Motors in February of 2010. This unfortunately does not stop people who already own Hummers from driving them around town for no good reason, but it's a step in the right direction.

If you or anyone you know owns a Hummer, and does not meet the requirements outlined by the above questionnaire, then please, seek help; there is obviously something you are compensating for, and there IS help. You CAN overcome this and turn into a functioning member of society.