Facebook is the Devil

I, like many, many others in the world, have a Facebook page. For the most part, I enjoy it. I like keeping up with friends that I hardly get to see, and I like playing Fishville (I have a thing for pet fish). I have fun 'Like'-ing friend's funny status updates, and quoting my funny friends in my own status. I like to 'Poke' my boyfriend (heheheh).

But, Facebook is still the Devil. Here's why:

1) Try as I might, I cannot stop myself from looking at my exes pages. The need for me to know that they are not as well-off as me is overwhelming. My desire to make sure that they didn't trade up, or are still working that same shitty food service job, is completely unbearable and, at some point or another, I'm going to look. And when I do, I am almost always stricken with jarring disappointment and hatred, and the rest of my day is ruined. I subsequently bore/annoy all of my friends because, now, it's all I can talk about.

2) People I have no desire to speak to like to 'friend' me. My profile is set to what I like to call 'Super Extra Ultra Secret Stealth Mode'. The name is not my real name, and I have all of the built-in privacy settings on max. You cannot search my name, my e-mail, or anything like that and expect to find my page. You can, however, see that I am friends with your friends, as my profile picture is, indeed, a picture of me. I do this for a number of reasons, though manly to keep people I don't want to talk to from finding my page. Yet, somehow, SOME WAY, people I don't care to know manage to find me. They mostly find me through friends of friends, or that damn friend finder suggestion box. Look, people, if you aren't my Facebook friend already, then there's a reason. You, girl who only talks to me when she wants something, LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want to hear your sob story lies about how you and your Dad and your dog all have cancer and AIDS but you're all pregnant anyway and you NEED me to take you out for some drinks AND pay for it because, even though you just finished nursing school, you can't find a job to save your life.
This isn't only restricted to annoying acquaintances. I don't need my old high school teachers 'checking up' on me, and I don't need my family members to constantly know what I am up to, especially if it's raucous debauchery, as it usually is.

3) Every time I 'Like' something, I constantly get bombarded with updates about people 'Like'-ing or commenting on it. I'll be lying in bed, innocently trying to fall asleep, when my phone will start vibrating. I think, "Oh, it must be my boyfriend, sending me a good night text!" So, I look at my phone, and it's something along the lines of "OMG LOL haha that is soooooooooooooooooooo trueeeee! I LOVE THIS PIC!" Or sometimes it's something simple, like "Jaquline Kennedy has also commented on Veronica Verone's status." As though I care! Facebook, please. If I care, I will just log in and look at whatever it is I commented on. But even then it won't stop pestering me! I 'Like' one simple status update, and all of a sudden, the next time I log in, I'm assaulted with 'Notifications' about someone 'Like'-ing or commenting on that same status. And someone got into an argument on there, so there are, like, fifty comments. JUST STOP THE INSANITY!

4) There are fields for your address AND phone number. And some people actually USE them. It's called 'Facebook stalking' for a reason, people.

5) Other people can 'tag' you in pictures. If you've ever been 'tagged' in someone else's album, you know exactly what I mean. You thought that rather unflattering photo of you passed out while sitting on the toilet was safely deleted or inside someone's camera, never to see the light of day. But you were horribly, horribly wrong. You open your Facebook page one morning to discover a new notification, like "Christina Terroz tagged a Photo of you." Well, Christina was at that party, but you figure it's one of the many innocent and innocuous pictures from BEFORE you made a fool of yourself. But, SURPRISE! There you are, in all of your drunken, blacked-out, vomit-covered glory. And now every single person on your friends list can see it.

I could literally go on like this all day. Employers asking to 'Friend' you, family members embarrassing you, people posting pictures of their ugly babies as their profile pic, that one person that takes hundreds of pictures of themselves in the same outfit at slightly different (or sometimes, not different at all) angles...
GOD FORBID two of your friends are 'In a relationship'. Then you're accosted with photos of the happy couple kissing, and status updates like, "I love my gorgeous loveydoveylovebug of love!!"

But, I digress. Facebook is just the latest in an increasingly long line of devilish social websites. There were many before it, and will be many after. All I ask of you, fellow Facebookers, is that you keep yourselves safe, and DON'T post your address / phone number unless you are CERTAIN that your privacy settings are adequate.