I, like many, many others in the world, have a Facebook page. For the most part, I enjoy it. I like keeping up with friends that I hardly get to see, and I like playing Fishville (I have a thing for pet fish). I have fun 'Like'-ing friend's funny status updates, and quoting my funny friends in my own status. I like to 'Poke' my boyfriend (heheheh).
But, Facebook is still the Devil. Here's why:
1) Try as I might, I cannot stop myself from looking at my exes pages. The need for me to know that they are not as well-off as me is overwhelming. My desire to make sure that they didn't trade up, or are still working that same shitty food service job, is completely unbearable and, at some point or another, I'm going to look. And when I do, I am almost always stricken with jarring disappointment and hatred, and the rest of my day is ruined. I subsequently bore/annoy all of my friends because, now, it's all I can talk about.
2) People I have no desire to speak to like to 'friend' me. My profile is set to what I like to call 'Super Extra Ultra Secret Stealth Mode'. The name is not my real name, and I have all of the built-in privacy settings on max. You cannot search my name, my e-mail, or anything like that and expect to find my page. You can, however, see that I am friends with your friends, as my profile picture is, indeed, a picture of me. I do this for a number of reasons, though manly to keep people I don't want to talk to from finding my page. Yet, somehow, SOME WAY, people I don't care to know manage to find me. They mostly find me through friends of friends, or that damn friend finder suggestion box. Look, people, if you aren't my Facebook friend already, then there's a reason. You, girl who only talks to me when she wants something, LEAVE ME ALONE. I don't want to hear your sob story lies about how you and your Dad and your dog all have cancer and AIDS but you're all pregnant anyway and you NEED me to take you out for some drinks AND pay for it because, even though you just finished nursing school, you can't find a job to save your life.
This isn't only restricted to annoying acquaintances. I don't need my old high school teachers 'checking up' on me, and I don't need my family members to constantly know what I am up to, especially if it's raucous debauchery, as it usually is.
3) Every time I 'Like' something, I constantly get bombarded with updates about people 'Like'-ing or commenting on it. I'll be lying in bed, innocently trying to fall asleep, when my phone will start vibrating. I think, "Oh, it must be my boyfriend, sending me a good night text!" So, I look at my phone, and it's something along the lines of "OMG LOL haha that is soooooooooooooooooooo trueeeee! I LOVE THIS PIC!" Or sometimes it's something simple, like "Jaquline Kennedy has also commented on Veronica Verone's status." As though I care! Facebook, please. If I care, I will just log in and look at whatever it is I commented on. But even then it won't stop pestering me! I 'Like' one simple status update, and all of a sudden, the next time I log in, I'm assaulted with 'Notifications' about someone 'Like'-ing or commenting on that same status. And someone got into an argument on there, so there are, like, fifty comments. JUST STOP THE INSANITY!
4) There are fields for your address AND phone number. And some people actually USE them. It's called 'Facebook stalking' for a reason, people.
5) Other people can 'tag' you in pictures. If you've ever been 'tagged' in someone else's album, you know exactly what I mean. You thought that rather unflattering photo of you passed out while sitting on the toilet was safely deleted or inside someone's camera, never to see the light of day. But you were horribly, horribly wrong. You open your Facebook page one morning to discover a new notification, like "Christina Terroz tagged a Photo of you." Well, Christina was at that party, but you figure it's one of the many innocent and innocuous pictures from BEFORE you made a fool of yourself. But, SURPRISE! There you are, in all of your drunken, blacked-out, vomit-covered glory. And now every single person on your friends list can see it.
I could literally go on like this all day. Employers asking to 'Friend' you, family members embarrassing you, people posting pictures of their ugly babies as their profile pic, that one person that takes hundreds of pictures of themselves in the same outfit at slightly different (or sometimes, not different at all) angles...
GOD FORBID two of your friends are 'In a relationship'. Then you're accosted with photos of the happy couple kissing, and status updates like, "I love my gorgeous loveydoveylovebug of love!!"
But, I digress. Facebook is just the latest in an increasingly long line of devilish social websites. There were many before it, and will be many after. All I ask of you, fellow Facebookers, is that you keep yourselves safe, and DON'T post your address / phone number unless you are CERTAIN that your privacy settings are adequate.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Hummers
Let me clarify before I even start: I'm NOT talking about a lewd sexual act. I'm talking about the vehicles. You know the ones, they were originally intended to act as mini-tanks for the Military; and now we have things like this:
This, ladies and gentleman, is a Hummer stretch limousine, the most obnoxious civilian vehicle on the planet. THIS is why the rest of the world hates America. This thing only gets about 8mpg, less when full of passengers (it seats about 20). It has 8 tires. If this isn't a blatant slap in the face to Mother Nature, then nothing is.
And I don't only extend my disdain toward the limo version. I think all civilian Hummers (H1, H2, and H3) are obnoxious and unnecessary, and that the people who drive them are douchebags.
Here's a quick quiz to determine whether or not you need a Hummer:
1) Are you in the deserts of Iraq or Afghanistan, shooting members of Al Qaeda?
2) Does your daily commute consist of large expanses of extremely rough terrain?
3) Are you transporting extremely valuable or dangerous goods across state/country borders on a daily basis?
If you answered 'no' to any of those questions, then YOU DO NOT NEED A HUMMER. There is absolutely no reason to drive a Hummer in the city. If you are driving a Hummer in the city then you are an obnoxious, gas guzzling, fear-mongering, over-compensating twatwaffle.
Even if you occasionally go off-roading, a Hummer is still unnecessary. Jeep makes perfectly good, smaller, easier-to-handle off-roading models that would easily serve your purposes:
This, ladies and gentleman, is a Hummer stretch limousine, the most obnoxious civilian vehicle on the planet. THIS is why the rest of the world hates America. This thing only gets about 8mpg, less when full of passengers (it seats about 20). It has 8 tires. If this isn't a blatant slap in the face to Mother Nature, then nothing is.
And I don't only extend my disdain toward the limo version. I think all civilian Hummers (H1, H2, and H3) are obnoxious and unnecessary, and that the people who drive them are douchebags.
Here's a quick quiz to determine whether or not you need a Hummer:
1) Are you in the deserts of Iraq or Afghanistan, shooting members of Al Qaeda?
2) Does your daily commute consist of large expanses of extremely rough terrain?
3) Are you transporting extremely valuable or dangerous goods across state/country borders on a daily basis?
If you answered 'no' to any of those questions, then YOU DO NOT NEED A HUMMER. There is absolutely no reason to drive a Hummer in the city. If you are driving a Hummer in the city then you are an obnoxious, gas guzzling, fear-mongering, over-compensating twatwaffle.
Even if you occasionally go off-roading, a Hummer is still unnecessary. Jeep makes perfectly good, smaller, easier-to-handle off-roading models that would easily serve your purposes:
There are plenty more, and they all work just as well. They come with huge tires or small ones, front, back, or all-wheel drive, pretty much anything you need. And they get much better gas mileage.
Luckily, for my sanity and for the Earth, Hummer brand vehicles were discontinued by General Motors in February of 2010. This unfortunately does not stop people who already own Hummers from driving them around town for no good reason, but it's a step in the right direction.
If you or anyone you know owns a Hummer, and does not meet the requirements outlined by the above questionnaire, then please, seek help; there is obviously something you are compensating for, and there IS help. You CAN overcome this and turn into a functioning member of society.
Tattoos
Let me start by saying that this will not be a post bashing tattoos/people who get tattoos(in general). I have a tattoo myself, and I love it(note the sweet 4-pack):
I got it in February of '09. I was searching for images to use as an avatar on a website that I frequent (spacefem dot com), and I saw this and thought, "That would make a fantastic tattoo!" It's only black ink (apparently red ink contains nickle, and I have a severe nickle allergy, so I decided to opt out of color all together), and I love how it's a little cartoon-y. I got it the day after I found the image online. The 'S' is for Slytherin. Yes, as in Slytherin House, as in Hogwarts, as in Harry Potter. Don't judge me. (I call it my 'stealth geek' tattoo, because you don't automatically recognize it as an HP tattoo, so it's stealthily geeky!)
I wanted to get it somewhere that I would be able to cover easily, but I also wanted to be able to see it myself. So basically, no one knows I have a tattoo until I show them, or unless I'm wearing a bathing suit. And I like it that way. My tattoo is a private expression of my personality (and commemoration for my love of Harry Potter), and like the rest of my private parts, is not for display.
I'm not saying that I have a problem with tattoos that can be easily seen. In fact, I want my next tattoo to go on my right wrist.
What I really want to talk about is something that I'm sure many people, with or without tattoos, can relate to: How difficult it is to look at/study a stranger's clearly visible tattoo. Sometimes, when I'm out and about during my day, I like to look at people's tattoos. I try to do this surreptitiously, because it's rude to stare, and I'm far too much of a sociophobe to A) let them know I'm looking or B) talk to them about it.
Invariably, though, they will notice my fervent, paranoid glances in their direction, and be either weirded out or extremely offended. But, at the same time, if you have a tattoo that is visible in normal clothing, I'd assume that you want people to look at it. But, I'm still too phobic to mention that/not care if you see me looking.
Also, I take public transportation almost every day, because I'm "GREEN"... And I don't have a car. (But, I can TELL people that I care more about being "green" than I actually do because I take the bus.) As you may have guessed, this is prime opportunity for people watching, and for noticing tattoos. In fact, I met one of my exes that way, but that's another story.
Here are a few facts about the number of people who have tattoos, and the number of people that take public transportation in America(United States):
According to the U.S. Census (2010), there are 311, 956,249 people living in America. Of those, 76.7% are over 18. That means there are approximately 215,249,811 tattoo-able Americans.
According to a study by the Pew Research Center (2010), 36% of Americans age 18-25, 40% ages 26-40, and 10% ages 41-60 are tattooed. That makes 86% of Americans over 18 tattooed, which translates into about 185,114,837 tattooed Americans.
Approximately 75% of people with tattoos have VISIBLE tattoos.
According to publictransit dot com (2010), about 14 million Americans take public transportation daily (like me!). That means that there is a 13% chance that everyone on the bus will have a tattoo. And one bus can fit up to 60 people. So that means that about 8 or so people are likely to have tattoos on any given bus at any given time.Which means about 6 of those people have visible tattoos.
And there is a 100% chance that I will be curious about said visible tattoos and want to look at them. ESPECIALLY if the person I am looking at is covered in them. And even MORE especially if they're stupid. Like this one time, I saw this guy on the bus that was absolutely COVERED in ridiculous and poor quality tattoos, like a railroad spike on his face.
Once, I saw a girl with what looked like the beginnings of a sleeve at the top of her arm near the shoulder. It was a triceratops killing a tyrannosaurus. And it was fucking sweet. But I couldn't get a good look at it, because she kept glancing up from her book and glaring, as if to say "Stop staring at me, crazy person, or you will meet with the same Fate as this tyrannosaurus!"
I think we all need to agree on some tattoo etiquette. If you have a visible tattoo, stop getting all offended when people stare at you. It was your decision to get that devil Hello Kitty tattoo on your forehead, what did you think was going to happen?
For the most part, I respect the art that is your ink, and I'd like to appreciate it fully without having to feel awkward and embarrassed at wanting to see it.
I wanted to get it somewhere that I would be able to cover easily, but I also wanted to be able to see it myself. So basically, no one knows I have a tattoo until I show them, or unless I'm wearing a bathing suit. And I like it that way. My tattoo is a private expression of my personality (and commemoration for my love of Harry Potter), and like the rest of my private parts, is not for display.
I'm not saying that I have a problem with tattoos that can be easily seen. In fact, I want my next tattoo to go on my right wrist.
What I really want to talk about is something that I'm sure many people, with or without tattoos, can relate to: How difficult it is to look at/study a stranger's clearly visible tattoo. Sometimes, when I'm out and about during my day, I like to look at people's tattoos. I try to do this surreptitiously, because it's rude to stare, and I'm far too much of a sociophobe to A) let them know I'm looking or B) talk to them about it.
Invariably, though, they will notice my fervent, paranoid glances in their direction, and be either weirded out or extremely offended. But, at the same time, if you have a tattoo that is visible in normal clothing, I'd assume that you want people to look at it. But, I'm still too phobic to mention that/not care if you see me looking.
Also, I take public transportation almost every day, because I'm "GREEN"... And I don't have a car. (But, I can TELL people that I care more about being "green" than I actually do because I take the bus.) As you may have guessed, this is prime opportunity for people watching, and for noticing tattoos. In fact, I met one of my exes that way, but that's another story.
Here are a few facts about the number of people who have tattoos, and the number of people that take public transportation in America(United States):
According to the U.S. Census (2010), there are 311, 956,249 people living in America. Of those, 76.7% are over 18. That means there are approximately 215,249,811 tattoo-able Americans.
According to a study by the Pew Research Center (2010), 36% of Americans age 18-25, 40% ages 26-40, and 10% ages 41-60 are tattooed. That makes 86% of Americans over 18 tattooed, which translates into about 185,114,837 tattooed Americans.
Approximately 75% of people with tattoos have VISIBLE tattoos.
According to publictransit dot com (2010), about 14 million Americans take public transportation daily (like me!). That means that there is a 13% chance that everyone on the bus will have a tattoo. And one bus can fit up to 60 people. So that means that about 8 or so people are likely to have tattoos on any given bus at any given time.Which means about 6 of those people have visible tattoos.
And there is a 100% chance that I will be curious about said visible tattoos and want to look at them. ESPECIALLY if the person I am looking at is covered in them. And even MORE especially if they're stupid. Like this one time, I saw this guy on the bus that was absolutely COVERED in ridiculous and poor quality tattoos, like a railroad spike on his face.
Once, I saw a girl with what looked like the beginnings of a sleeve at the top of her arm near the shoulder. It was a triceratops killing a tyrannosaurus. And it was fucking sweet. But I couldn't get a good look at it, because she kept glancing up from her book and glaring, as if to say "Stop staring at me, crazy person, or you will meet with the same Fate as this tyrannosaurus!"
I think we all need to agree on some tattoo etiquette. If you have a visible tattoo, stop getting all offended when people stare at you. It was your decision to get that devil Hello Kitty tattoo on your forehead, what did you think was going to happen?
For the most part, I respect the art that is your ink, and I'd like to appreciate it fully without having to feel awkward and embarrassed at wanting to see it.
A Quicky Grammar Lesson
Now, I'll be the first to admit that I'm not perfect, and neither is my writing. I do pride myself, however, on my ability to differentiate between phonetically similar, yet definition-ally different words(homonyms).
By far, the most glaringly obvious example of this would be the difference between "your" and "you're". So many people I know think that these words are interchangeable. This is not the case. They are two completely different words with two completely different definitions. No, really! Stay with me on this one. I can prove it.
Definitions of "your" and "you're", respectively, from dictionary.com:
Your - [pronoun] -1. a form of the possessive case of you, used as an attributive adjective: Your jacket is in that closet. I like your idea. Compare: Yours
2. one's, used to indicate that one belonging to oneself or to any person: The consulate is your best source of information. As you go down the hill, the library is on your left.
3. used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type: Take your factory worker, for instance. Your power brakes don't need that much servicing.
You're - contraction of you are: You're certain that's right?
As you can plainly see, these words DO NOT mean the same thing. In fact, the second is not even a singular word, but a shortened form of two different words, you and are, as in You are going to be taken by the Grammar Nazis if you do not start using these words correctly.
When in doubt, say the sentence you are trying to convey out loud to yourself. Can you replace the word "your" with "you are"? Is the subject of your sentence DOING something? If so, use "you're", or, even better, just use "you are" to eliminate any possible confusion.
Does the subject of the sentence BELONG to someone? Then use "your", as in Your grammar needs to improve or I will personally hunt you down and chop off all of your fingers.
In fact, when you say "your" and "you're" out loud, they should sound different. "Your" should be pronounced "yore", as in "the saintly days of yore". "You're" should sound more like "yew-er", and should phonetically rhyme with "sewer".
This concludes today's lesson on grammar. In the words of a good friend of mine, "You're right, people are stupid though, and you're smart. Now go get your hair did."
By far, the most glaringly obvious example of this would be the difference between "your" and "you're". So many people I know think that these words are interchangeable. This is not the case. They are two completely different words with two completely different definitions. No, really! Stay with me on this one. I can prove it.
Definitions of "your" and "you're", respectively, from dictionary.com:
Your - [pronoun] -1. a form of the possessive case of you, used as an attributive adjective: Your jacket is in that closet. I like your idea. Compare: Yours
2. one's, used to indicate that one belonging to oneself or to any person: The consulate is your best source of information. As you go down the hill, the library is on your left.
3. used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type: Take your factory worker, for instance. Your power brakes don't need that much servicing.
You're - contraction of you are: You're certain that's right?
As you can plainly see, these words DO NOT mean the same thing. In fact, the second is not even a singular word, but a shortened form of two different words, you and are, as in You are going to be taken by the Grammar Nazis if you do not start using these words correctly.
When in doubt, say the sentence you are trying to convey out loud to yourself. Can you replace the word "your" with "you are"? Is the subject of your sentence DOING something? If so, use "you're", or, even better, just use "you are" to eliminate any possible confusion.
Does the subject of the sentence BELONG to someone? Then use "your", as in Your grammar needs to improve or I will personally hunt you down and chop off all of your fingers.
In fact, when you say "your" and "you're" out loud, they should sound different. "Your" should be pronounced "yore", as in "the saintly days of yore". "You're" should sound more like "yew-er", and should phonetically rhyme with "sewer".
This concludes today's lesson on grammar. In the words of a good friend of mine, "You're right, people are stupid though, and you're smart. Now go get your hair did."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)